A whine and complain thread

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Mon Mar 21, 2016 10:11 pm

Some people chat for a long time on dating sites before meeting up. As with meeting someone in real life, it comes down to both parties' preferences and behavior. Some like to get to a know a person well before asking him or her out, and others like to cut to the chase.

I read a blog post about Chinese dating etiquette to see if it might shed some light on this woman's perspective.

It sounds like you asked her out in advance of Sunday, which is a good sign, but apparently asking a Chinese woman out that night would mean major strikes against you.

Picking a restaurant was also a good move, as choosing a place that is free or where you don't stay very long (e.g., a cafe) is also a bad sign.

Based off of this characterization of Chinese women's expectations when it comes to dating, it doesn't sound like you accidentally did anything that she might find off putting from a potential date. My first thought was that this might be some sort of cultural miscommunication, though.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:32 am

If only there were a flowchart for every nationality. The last part is baffling though. So one is supposed to escort her to her home, turn round and leave, then immediately call her after she closes the door? Uh okay. With arrangements like this, how on Earth does China have such a large population?

She's also lived in Japan since university, so who knows what dating culture she's absorbed. Who knows what Japanese dating culture even is. Mad, apparently, although westerners who speak Japanese seem to have a leg up in navigating it. My Japanese currently stretches to extremely stilted and banal discussion of trains and daily routines, and a fluid, practiced 'watashi no nihongo wa amari yokunai desu ((myself) (possessive) (Japanese language) (subject) (not very) (not good) (be))'. The double negative is apparently conventional, shrug.

Anyway, overall I'm now much less piqued over the matter. There are, of course, plenty more fish in the sea. My larger concern is that previous fish have tended towards a consistent pattern of behaviour which I can't readily fathom, and as a result can't learn from. I assume I bitched about my Singaporean friend here? Probably. Nothing of a romantic nature was ever seriously considered in that quarter, but basically she lived in London and we met up two or three weekends of each month, and kept in touch pretty closely when not actively in conference. Then one day, I was dead to her. No reason was ever ascertained. Events such as these are acceptable in and of themselves, but rather damaging to both confidence and faith in future dealings. No matter the apparent situation, every interaction could be the last.

Okay cool, a new message just as I finish writing this out. Today's conversation has been as previous, but upon discussion of the weekend:

Me: Did you not want to meet up on Sunday by the way?
Her: Why?

I'm not sure what to say here. Does she mean why should we meet up, or why do I believe she doesn't want to meet up? This may prove an awkward question to clarify.

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Tue Mar 22, 2016 9:21 am

If you want to meet up with her, positively-framed response might be good ("I'd really like to meet you in person" or something similar), rather than questions geared to figuring out why she rejected you initially or whether she rejected you initially.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Tue Mar 22, 2016 9:43 am

Nah, after navigating some more vague questions and unclear antecedents (top response: After explaining the answer to both 'why do you want to meet up' and 'why do you think I don't want to meet up', her response was 'I meant why did you ask that question') it turns out she'd been labouring under the false impression that she had replied in the affirmative. So all is well for now; I'll broadcast my next whinge on Sunday evening. Stay tuned!

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Tue Mar 22, 2016 11:19 am

I figured it was a miscommunication of some kind. Those are awfully common in dating scenarios, particularly when you're communicating via technology and across cultural/language barriers.

Hope you two have fun, though!
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby chrismachine » Tue Mar 22, 2016 9:45 pm

Good news!
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Wed Mar 23, 2016 12:18 pm

Everybody's gettin' dates!
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Wed Mar 23, 2016 12:51 pm

Huh, I had an unexpected surprise date today. Just as I told my coworker my plan for the evening was to go home, cook and do nothing I got a message. Chinese Girl finished work on time for once, do I want to go for a drink?

Karaoke is blindingly expensive. Possibly the G&Ts weren't free, but it came to over ¥8000? rickin'-frackin' Tokyo man (actually Kawasaki).

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Wed Mar 23, 2016 12:53 pm

jvcc wrote:Everybody's gettin' dates!


Spamusers is now where the cool and attracrive people hang out. How did this happen?

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby IanC » Wed Mar 23, 2016 1:14 pm

Well im neither cool nor attractive. So yeah. I don't know.

Looks like im going to the cinema next week! This dating lark could get expensive, lol.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby sum yun gai » Wed Mar 23, 2016 1:54 pm

jvcc wrote:Everybody's gettin' dates!


I'm pretty sure my wife would be upset if I started dating again :P
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Thu Mar 24, 2016 2:03 pm

ntw3001 wrote:Huh, I had an unexpected surprise date today. Just as I told my coworker my plan for the evening was to go home, cook and do nothing I got a message. Chinese Girl finished work on time for once, do I want to go for a drink?

Karaoke is blindingly expensive. Possibly the G&Ts weren't free, but it came to over ¥8000? rickin'-frackin' Tokyo man (actually Kawasaki).


Google's currency conversion calculator says that would be $1,227 or £865. Is that right??

The guy I was talking about is going to drive up to visit tomorrow. Tentative plans are to walk around town, visit some parks and/or playgrounds, and he's going to stay the night. Super psyched.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby IanC » Thu Mar 24, 2016 2:17 pm

Its around £50, give or take.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby James » Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:31 pm

I'm immeasurably cool and attractive, and resoundingly dateless, but that's because of my adherence to the "do nothing at all" school of romance procurement. The prospect of signing up to a dating website is an interesting hypothetical I occasionally entertain, purely in the abstract, but I guess I'm not bothered enough by solitude to do anything to put any effort at all into avoiding it.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Fri Mar 25, 2016 12:49 am

I like solitude. I go on long walks by myself at night, because there's hardly anyone else about then, and have started seeing a movie in theatres by myself at least once a month. I also enjoy socializing with other people, which I have my friends, family, and coworkers for.

I feel like I start to go a little crazy if I go an extended amount of time without sex, though. Just in the sense of being frustrated and having excess nervous energy.

I know that's not a universal experience. As soon as I learned about asexuality, it was very easy for me to understand that some people experience sexual arousal and some people don't. It wasn't until recently, after an enlightening discussion with two of my good friends, that I realized how much variance there is when it comes to precisely how sexual people who identify as sexual are.

One of my friends is straight and married and the other is bisexual and has been single for a few years. They both said they don't think about sex very often, don't have sex very often, and don't really feel like sex is a big deal. Companionship and romance are still really important to them, but neither is particularly important to me.

I don't know what I'm going to get with my guy friend. Minimally I know we're going to start a physical relationship, but he tends to have committed, dating-type relationships. I would be happy to have him as a friend with benefits or a boyfriend. That's unusual for me, as I haven't been romantically interested in someone in a long time--not in at least a year.

Perhaps it will be sorted out when he comes to visit tomorrow, which I am very excited about.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 6:38 am

IanC wrote:Its around £50, give or take.


You got it. jvcc, I think your Google is drunk. But good luck with your attractive friend!

James, I'm familiar with the arrangement you describe. When I'm living at home, I have no single friends and live in Essex, where there exist few childless women of legal dating age. I get nothing and seek nothing in the UK.

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 7:57 am

Hmm. I was supposed to go for training with the whole department tomorrow, but I'm now not because I'll instead be training with the new staff on Wednesday. Instead of that, though, I'll be training for the special classes I'm going to teach. So not only will I not be trained for the kindergarten open days (when we're supposed to bump up student numbers, on which I will be judged, I'll also not meet any of the other staff.

The general arrangement is for each teacher to work with several other teachers over the course of the week, but my schedule has me working alone most days. In six months people will ask what happened and why Nick quit, and those few who are in the know will have to tell them that Nick didn't quit and is in fact still working, in isolation. 'Who's Nick?', the new staff will say; 'Is he new? When does he arrive?'

The upside, of course, is that I don't have training on Saturday. What am I going to do on Saturday night

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby IanC » Fri Mar 25, 2016 3:24 pm

ntw3001 wrote: When I'm living at home, I have no single friends and live in Essex, where there exist few childless women of legal dating age. I get nothing and seek nothing in the UK.

Sounds like you need to lower your standards :P :lol:

Or just expand your search distance? I mean Maria is in North London, im right on the Essex/Hertfordshire border, so its not close to me but at the same time its not a huge distance to travel to meet and see her.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Sat Mar 26, 2016 10:52 pm

God dang it, she cancelled. No other result was ever possible, of course, so I did at least have the foresight to make alternative arrangements.

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:00 am

Boo, cancellations. Hooray for alternative plans, though.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Sun Mar 27, 2016 2:38 pm

By the way, I did see my friend.

I don't know if this needs to be said, Enty, but you called him my "attractive friend" and while he's very attractive to me I don't think he's conventionally attractive. He's short and a bit stocky and has a very round face. When I tell him how attractive I find him, though, I don't qualify it: he knows he's not a male model, nor am I the female equivalent, but he and I both understand that attractiveness is about what makes a person unique rather than conforming to some standard.

This isn't the appropriate thread for this, either, but I had a lot of fun. He's on the fence about committing to anything, but we both walked away from the experience feeling happy, which continues to make me happy. Anyway, he wants to be friends, and if past experience is any indication, us being in same room together will lead to fooling around.
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby ntw3001 » Wed Mar 30, 2016 8:57 am

Sounds like a pretty good outcome jvcc! I'm on the horns of a trilemma. Schlongfest '16 is this Sunday and I plan to invite the Chinese girl along. But should I:

a) Tell her what it is (she will almost definitely go)
b) Tell her I want to take her to 'a festival' but decline to explain details (she'll be interested but could feasibly cancel, but surprising her with a penis festival will be very, very funny. also if she really wants to know, one second on Google will cause the plan to fall through), or
c) Pretend I don't know what it is but am acting on the advice of a friend?

C seems like the funniest option, although I wouldn't intend to take the deception to my grave (I would most likely confess within one second of the steel phallus becoming apparent... as it were). But what if she cancels, as women do? Schlongfest will be ruined, and I may fall into a bitter funk which will spoil the day for my allies also. I wonder if Schlongfest has always been the source of such a puzzle.

In other news, I've been given my final work schedule. So... according to Japanese law, does time spent between classes count as working hours? Because I'm working from 8.00 until 5.45 two days a week, and 8 till 6.20 on a third, as well as a more normal day (although still one of the company's hardest schools) and a day when I'm on call to cover lessons. This is quite some way outside the hours I can be required to work without a) mutual consent and b) overtime pay (the law stipulates overtime must be paid for hours exceeding 8h/day, and my contract gives me regular hours of 32.5h/week). Gaps between lessons are of up to six hours. I'll be waking at 5.30 and going to bed at 9, which doesn't appeal. I'm perusing relevant texts trying to establish exactly whether I'm to be considered 'at leisure' during this downtime (which I could sort of see during the long six-hour period, but would be complete nonsense for the one-to-two hour breaks on the other days).

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby EsBe » Wed Mar 30, 2016 11:39 am

A

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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby IanC » Wed Mar 30, 2016 11:47 am

EsBe wrote:A

B?
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Re: A whine and complain thread

Postby jvcc » Wed Mar 30, 2016 5:52 pm

ntw3001 wrote:But what if she cancels, as women do?


There isn't enough eye rolling in the world to effectively summarize my attitude toward this statement.
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