Quotes taken out of context

[jvcc]

Hello everyone,

We all remember the humorous site Overheard Everywhere, of course. It is a site which recognizes the potential hilarity in a statement stripped of its context. There are many perfectly innocent quotes from my own life which I feel would make poor anecdotes if I contextualized them, but if they stand alone may be quite amusing. Let's see, shall we?

My professor, to a female student: I want to hear about your exposure.
Female student: *pulls a face*
Professor: Should I rephrase that?
Female student: I think you'd better.

The same professor, to me the same class period regarding a male student: He wants to make physical contact with you; will you reciprocate?

My brother to me over the phone: Jesus is probably out of the rape game from now on.

P.S.
I am inviting everyone else to contribute their own quotes as well.

[James]

I encounter them often, and immediately forget them. NON-CONTRIBUTION.

[quetzalcoatlus]

A customer at my current place of work:* Where are your fake boobs?

*I work at a Halloween costume place right now.

[PonderThis]

That's awesome, Quetz.

[jvcc]

Agreed.

The thread is a success!

[Skimba]

Female co-worker this morning: I did the head. All by myself.

[GregorR]

"I'm comfortable with myself. I like to eat Jolly Ranchers and spit on hookers."

[Skimba]

"I'm comfortable with myself. I like to eat Jolly Ranchers and spit on hookers."

I don't think that's out of context at all.

[fanelian]

Because there is no possible context where that is coherent?

[PonderThis]

Because there is no possible context where that is coherent?

Sure there is! It could mean ...

Um ...

Well if you look at it ...

I mean, from a certain angle ...

...

Yeah, you're right.

[Zombie Protestor]

[quetzalcoatlus]

More work-related ones:

Coworker: ...Well, most of the throw-up was blueberry pie anyway.

Customer (to me): You look just like a pug. Sorry, but you do! You don't even need a costume.


There is some context to the second one you're not hearing, the first was just the end of a story I don't think I want to hear the rest of.

[jvcc]

"And I was like, 'He's getting off on her ass!'" -my mom

[fanelian]

Woman on the street, to a child: "You need to fall in love with god"

[PonderThis]

Woman on the street, to a child: "You need to fall in love with god"

Yeah and we all know what that leads to.

[jvcc]

"Fifteen minutes to seven; it's bj time!" -my mom (again)

It was an interesting Thanksgiving dinner.

[quetzalcoatlus]

Oh yeah, while the Grammys were on some time ago, I somehow got the opportunity to say "I don't think there was any dick in The Sound Of Music..."

[jvcc]

I dunno, those Nazis were kind of dicks.

At school:
Girl #1: So you rescued them...?
Girl #2: No, I bought them with my money. And I put all of their anuses on my fridge.

[quetzalcoatlus]

Woman at the park: I hope no one pees on you, you'd get soaked!


if it makes you feel better, she was not addressing a human...

[sum yun gai]

as i was passing by the front desk at my office:

[male co-worker who is also gay]: well, i was hoping for something much juicier than that!

[ntw3001]

At work: 'Do you have any more pedo stuff left to do?'

[jvcc]

Email from my professor: The attachment is FINE JUST DONT ADD ANYTHING OR SAY ANYTHING TO ME*

*Turns out, after much confusion, that he wanted me to send him an attachment without any text in the body of the email. Above is how he chose to communicate that.

[James]

That's perfect. I genuinely laughed out loud.

[quetzalcoatlus]

"That is a very important frog!"


A friend talking about his reaction when he learned his kid didn't recognize Kermit.

[jvcc]

"Kelsey, no! Do not bring a giant print out of that bird to shove in the face of everybody I flirt with!"